I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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