hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
