then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
