Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
