So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
