She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
