I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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