She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
