Where is the hickey?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
