u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
