i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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