At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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