The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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