Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
