his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
