that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
