watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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