I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
