why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
