i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
