Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
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