This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
