He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
