Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
