Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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