i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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