I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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