Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
