he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
