don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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