I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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