The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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