he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
