i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
