I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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