well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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