Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
