The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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