Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I deserve this hangover.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
