i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
