Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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