I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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