jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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