every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
