my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Watching her eat just hurts me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
