There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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