you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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