please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
