Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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