can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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